The true meaning of the Sex Show

Mike Sholars
Features and Opinions Editor

This was not my first year attending the Everything to Do With Sex Show (ETDWSS), nor will it be my last.
Once you bust through whatever preconceptions you had about the event, you free yourself to view it for what it really is: a giant education seminar on a subject in which everyone could use some tutoring. As I entered the Direct Energy Centre show floor, I saw an elderly woman purchasing a name-brand vibrator (the Hitachi Magic Wand – an excellent choice) while her husband held her hand; they were wearing matching smiles.
At the Sexability booth, a physical assistance worker asked a long list of questions to the employees on the behalf of her clients, a quadraplegic couple using mouth-operated wheelchairs to check out the show floor. If you talk to anyone who has ever attended the show, you’ll undoubtedly receive similar anecdotes.
In all honesty, I find them to be heart-warming.
The vibe at the show is a distinctly Canadian one, with hordes of people dealing with very personal topics with the utmost courtesy and kindness. It’s an atmosphere of understanding, and I almost felt like if I were to run into my mother on the show floor, it wouldn’t be awkward.
Of course, when I ran into her at the show last year, it was exceedingly awkward – I hid in a booth that sold vibrators with smiley faces on them – so I may be wrong.
I highly recommend taking a leisurely trip around the show floor and just asking questions about everything that’s new to you. You will be wiser for it, and you’ll probably get to try more new things in an hour than you had in months.
A charming French-Canadian girl sold me on the virtues of composite wood dildos, because I initially believed such a creation would only end in heartbreak and a trip to the emergency room for the user; however, she assured me that she could personally vouch for the comfort and effectiveness of the product, as long as it was properly lubricated before use.
Since the dildos are made-to-order, they can be customized to fit certain dimensions. The small Montreal-based company behind these toys could even (she said this next part with a knowing smile) take a mold of my crotch and make a true-to-life model from it.
As much as the thought of a cherry wood model of my penis being handed down through my family for generations appeals to me, I had to perish the thought for now; the custom dildo market is simply too rich for my tastes. Mark my words; one day I will return to this show, cash in hand, and go about creating my wooden legacy, or as I will call him, The Dark Lord.
This year’s trip to the ETDWSS wasn’t about leisurely strolls or informative chats about dildos. Well okay, perhaps it was for thousands of other people, but not me. I was on a mission, one that has haunted me for years. I was searching for a reasonably priced copy of Pirates, and I had no intention of going home empty-handed.
For those of you who don’t know, Pirates – and to a lesser extent, its sequel Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge – is the Avatar of North American pornography. When it was released in 2005, it received universal coverage for what it accomplished; it was a porno that aspired to be a real movie. While the main viewing audience for American porn – straight white men with their pants off, for the record – doesn’t give a damn about plot or acting ability, Pirates delivered in those categories anyway. It even had computer-generated fight scenes against armies of skeletons! The plot won’t win any Oscars, but it’s leagues better than the typical plumber/pizza boy/doctor scenarios.
It’s a light parody of Pirates of the Caribbean, but while the former settled on lingering shots of Johnny
Depp winking and Kiera Knightley biting her lower lip to suggest sexual tension, the porn version cuts to explicit sex scenes. The film went on to sweep the Adult Video News awards (the Oscars of porn), and it was even re-released in an R-rated version with the explicit scenes cut out. Which leads me to my current situation; as a broke university student on OSAP, I have never been able to afford this hallmark of modern pornographic history, which usually retails for upwards of $70. While I always love simply taking in some knowledge at the Sex Show, adding this movie to my collection was my true goal this time.
I checked all of the usual suspects to no avail – all of the usual suspects were selling it at a price too rich for my blood. Once again, my prize had escaped the grasp of my wallet. Not even waving at Alexis Texas as she patiently dealt with drooling fans could lift my mood, although the Vinyl Fashion Show at 9 p.m. definitely made me forget about the movie.
As I passed the Condom Shack booth, I bumped into a laughing woman. She was tying a wooden flower (one of the many non-sex-themed items on sale at the show; I also saw vendors selling shoe polish and new bed sheets) into the hair of her partner. The two women held hands and browsed the feminist porn section at Good for Her.
In my haste to consume big-budget mainstream porn, I had forgotten the true meaning of the Sex Show. It was about broadening horizons and promoting sexual health and experimentation in all stages of life. My lesson learned, I began to focus on my next project: naming the wooden dildo that I’ll have modelled after my own parts.
Is “The Dark Lord” too ominous? Perhaps “Action Jackson” is a better choice.