Flynn Daunt
Senior Paranoia and Bigotry Expert
Communists! How many do you see around you? Count them. Is it one? Two? Three? How about 150,000? That’s how many I found last week at a rally to destroy democracy hosted by their chairman, Jon Stewart.
As far as I could tell, the rally was a joint operation between the Socialist Communists and the Fascist Marxists, or as I call them, the Socialist Communists und Marxists (SCUM). I first had to get them to trust me and learn their language; to this end, I embarked on a 12-hour bus trip shared with what I can only assume was terrorist cells and cult factions from Toronto.
While none of them actually spoke about spreading anarchy and taking down the government, I could read it in their code. “Is the hazel cream sugar-free?” one asked at a truck stop Starbucks, obviously code for some kind of bomb plot. I figure the question was, in fact, a confirmation request regarding his Communist terrorist spy satellite. Other code phrases like “I think Shanghai is more of a ‘technology’ population density” were probably just indecipherable gibberish in- spired by the marijuana cigarettes that they were smuggling into the States to fuel their devil raves and voodoo drum circles.
They all seemed to communicate with the terror satellite via these strange electronic square plates. I’ll call them Terror Slabs, although their only use seems to be writing restaurant reviews and playing Plants vs. Zombies.
The United States of America is a country ruled by fear and destitution. As any 24/7 Canadian news channel will tell you, America is a place where constant fighting over ideologies and views on tax reforms fills the streets. I believe their laws state it’s legal to pour kerosene on someone you have a disagreement with, as long as the fight was about the real estate market.
It has to be true; why else would these news organizations spend so much time convincing us of it?
So when I arrived, the bedlam and chaos must have been in its early planning stages. The group shuffled around the east end of the National Mall. I saw upwards of 50 million people all packed together, some with signs that were surely more codes for anarchy, fascism and requests to bring back Crystal Pepsi.
As I made my way through the crowd, I felt myself lulled into a false sense of security. I had been watching The Daily Show since I was 12 years old in an attempt to study the enemy, to look into the sad, self-deprecating eyes of a simple comedian who thinks he can topple the government.
Penetrating the crowd was easy; I just had to keep my ruse up for the next few hours while blending in with what looked like a mostly-white crowd in their early 20s. I was a perfect fit. I proceeded to gather info from the heart of their cult gathering. I got the sense that many of them were truly frustrated with the way they were portrayed – decisive and angry, of course – while others came for the liberal elite entertainment and to support the show. Clearly, they were all fools.
After I got a good position near one of their giant Orwellian propaganda screens, the actual show began to start. Mr. Stewart came out in his fancy elitist business suit, to quote Gretchen Carlson, former Miss America and one of the fine friends on Fox News’ Fox and Friends; Stewart looked just like a real newsman.
The actual show seemed secondary to the crowd gathering; I understand that many people who came could not actually see or hear the event, but it didn’t seem to matter. These clearly violent and aggressive people took the time to plan their chaos to the point where it never even happened – the ingenious bastards!
The performance was clearly an entertainment event, a large-scale version of what Colbert and Stewart do on a regular basis, with the two making jokes throughout. Stewart would have people come out whom he felt should be rewarded for their reasonableness (e.g. Mick Foley for his work to end bullying), while Colbert would counter that with a reward for fear (e.g. to Anderson Cooper’s tight black shirt).
At the end, Stewart attempted to indoctrinate the audience by claiming the average American is not fuelled by bloodlust toward someone who has opposite ideological views.
Of course, the whole thing was an abysmal failure. As everyone dispersed at the end of the show, I’m sure most went on to tear down the fabric of civilization, so I pretty much just stayed in one of the port- a-potties for six hours until I had to get back on the bus.
What I come back with is a message for my fellow Canadians: America will soon destroy itself like Siamese twins who share a spinal column; they will split up and rip out all their internal organs, and then collapse in a puddle of their own bodily fluids. Without any government, they will come for us, eating out democracy and crapulating on our freedom! This is absolutely guaranteed to happen, so prepare now; nothing is safe!
