The other side

[su_dropcap style=”simple” size=”5″]I[/su_dropcap] do not identify as queer or trans, but I consider myself a compassionate person who understands that we are all unique. I’d like to think I am someone who accepts people for who they are.
But when I learned that my ex-girlfriend was dating someone new, and that she was dating a woman, I did not know how to feel. In my case, my relationship had already ended. It was not like I was losing anything, yet I had feelings of loss. I questioned what I had meant to her. I felt a need to re-evaluate our relationship and the reasons why we had broken up.
There are many others who have been in my situation, who have had a partner or former partner come out, and been filled with confusion. I cannot speak on what they experienced, I can only write on what I felt at the time.
When you realize that your partner’s orientation is not what you thought, it can make you question your own identity. I asked if I had self-sabotaged myself by committing to someone who simply could not feel the same way that I had. I knew it wasn’t true, but in my worst moments I questioned if she had used me to hide her identity.
These were not emotions I was proud of. It was a rising ugliness inside of me and I hated myself for it. I wasn’t able to find peace within myself until I confronted my own feelings. I needed to understand why I felt hurt by something my ex could not possibly control.
I came to realize it wasn’t my ex’s identity I was resisting, it was change. I was afraid that what I had meant to her had changed. I was afraid that our friendship would now be changed. It took some time, but I realized the happiness we had brought to each other hadn’t changed, and how much we cared for one another hadn’t changed. She had simply learned more about herself and she had been brave enough to share that with me.
Knowing another person can take years. Knowing yourself can take an eternity. I cannot begrudge someone for not knowing who they are, because I believe you cannot know yourself until you have lived.
If you genuinely care for a person who has come out or who is questioning, then I hope you have enough strength to see past your own turmoil and take the time to understand what they are going through.
I am lucky. I have been able to maintain my friendship with my former partner. Though the initial realization might have been a struggle, we were willing to listen to each other and share our feelings. Understanding and acceptance came in fits and starts. For both of us, I believe it took time to gain perspective. I stumbled, but I grew. I care for my ex more than I ever have and I am lucky to have her friendship.
Anonymous