Anna Voskuil | Copy Editor
Featured image: How to know if your relationship is healthy or unhealthy, tips for healthy communication, and how to handle unhealthy relationships. | Courtesy of Tu Ahn
When it comes to relationships, many of us are still unsure of how they should progress—at what point you should call yourselves an official couple; when important milestones should be reached, such as buying a house together; or when your partner should meet your parents.
While it’s up to the couple to decide when and how they navigate these milestones, one aspect of dating that can be confusing for a person in a first-time relationship, or even in their second, fifth, or eighth relationship, is personal boundaries.
Often, the line between respecting and over-stepping a partner’s boundaries can be indeed a thin one at best. While some lines are obvious and clear for many of us, many others may fall into a murky grey area.
To put it simply, the baseline definition of a healthy romantic partnership is one that is based on respect and equality, rather than power and control. A number of characteristics are key in maintaining the relationship, such as honesty and accountability, shared power and responsibility, respect, open communication, and personal integrity.
If a person finds themselves in a healthy, happy relationship—one that ensures they feel secure, open, and equal to their partner—it can benefit their lives in a plethora of ways.
In general, a healthy relationship can foster feelings of a greater sense of purpose, a higher likelihood of engaging in healthy behaviour, a decrease in stress, and a prolonged of life span. In fact, one study suggests that a lack of social relationships could impact one’s health similarly to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
But when it comes to the difficulties associated with a relationship, many of us are still unsure how to handle them, let alone even recognize when there may be a significant problem.
A survey of over 500 college students in the U.S. showed that 57 per cent say it is difficult to identify dating abuse, and 58 per cent say they wouldn’t know how to support someone experiencing abuse themselves.
In stark contrast to healthy relationships, violent and unhealthy relationships in adolescence can increase the risk for substance abuse, risky sexual behaviour, eating disorders, further domestic violence, and higher rates of suicide. In fact, a study has shown that half of young people who were victims of both dating violence and rape have attempted suicide, compared to 12.5 per cent of non-abused women and 5.4 per cent of non-abused men.
Other detrimental effects of dating abuse on mental health include emotional distress, depression, and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Overall, dating violence has been linked to a 38 per cent increase in likelihood of reporting poorer general health.
A variety of factors can contribute to violent behaviours in dating, including environment, culture, and mental health. Several studies have found that those with peer groups that encourage violence have a higher likelihood of perpetrating dating violence in their relationships.
Additionally, the risk of violence was found to be higher in communities and cultures where violence is viewed as an accepted norm, or when there is heavy alcohol consumption by a partner in a relationship.
More concerning statistics point to a base lack of understanding of what “consent” means in a relationship, a thin yet necessary line that is often challenged and debated within the larger social sphere.
What is consent? Is “no” merely the absence of “yes?” Is “leading someone on” simply a person “asking for it?”
In a survey of college-age students, 22 per cent believed that someone is consenting to “further sexual activity” if they “engage in foreplay, such as kissing or touching,” and 47 per cent believed that an individual removing their clothes constituted consent.
Furthermore, according to research published in the journal Violence and Gender, approximately one-third of male college students are unsure of what constitutes rape.
This severe lack of knowledge is concerning, considering that according to the sexual violence advocacy organization RAINN, an estimated 68 per cent of rapes go unreported. The belief that it is a private matter, not important enough to report as a crime, and/or a fear of reprisal are the most common reasons victims do not report the violence.
Proportionally, young women are often more at risk of becoming victims of dating violence. Many studies indicate that girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence, and 51 per cent of Canadian women are likely to fall victim to at least one instance of sexual or physical violence in her lifetime.
What proves even more concerning is that 60 per cent of Canadian college-aged males report that they would commit sexual assault if they were certain that they would not be caught, and 51 per cent of college-aged men in the U.S. admit to having committed one or more incidents of sexual assaults during college.
Another pressing issue, one often not associated directly with dating violence, is stalking. One study found that over 13 per cent of U.S. women in college reported they had been stalked during their time in school, and 42 per cent of cases involved a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend.
When approaching violence in relationships, how do we define it? A baseline understanding for domestic (or intimate partner/dating as well), can be recognized as a series of behaviours used by one partner in a relationship that are intended to control the other. It can affect any type of relationship, regardless of marital status, sexual orientation, or living status.
Abuse in a relationship can be shown in many ways: physical, emotional/verbal, financial, and/or digital abuse, or stalking behaviours. These forms of abuse can be displayed in a variety of behaviours, such as forbidding a partner from seeing their friends; forcing them to report where they are and who they’re with frequently; showing jealousy; belittling; threatening to hurt a partner, a loved one, or themselves; or physical violence.
Another lesser-known form of violence is psychological violence, which can be seen in uneven power dynamics in a relationship.
When determining if a relationship is worth fighting for—despite its hardships—or if the need to break up is the only option, many advise to “just stick around,” or that “a relationship is hard work.” Helen Lam, a second-year Social Work student, advises: “If you find that you are fearing someone, there is a problem in the relationship, whether you wish to believe it or not.”
In order to understand failure in communication in intimate relationships, Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington conducted a 1994 study examining over 2,000 married couples over the span of 20 years. The study determined—with 94 per cent accuracy—whether these relationships would succeed or fail.
Gottman’s study found four core issues, or “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” in the breakdown of communication between the couples that ended up divorced: criticism (making sweeping generalizations about a partner); contempt (such as body language and tone of voice, like eye-rolling or sneering); defensiveness (such as cross-complaining or making excuses); and stonewalling (which includes the all-too-common “silent treatment”).
To resolve the challenges arising from these issues, Gottman provided resolutions to better improve communication: expressing a positive need, describing emotions by using “I,” reminding oneself of a partner’s positive qualities, taking responsibility for anything said that was hurtful towards a partner, and taking time to distract oneself with self-soothing.
Echoing these solutions is Victoria Silman, a fourth-year Professional Writing and Political Science student, who says: “As cliché as it sounds, communication is the most important aspect in a relationship. I’d rather bicker now about issues to resolve them, rather than have major issues arise later.”
In cases where a person may recognize someone is in an abusive relationship, one of the many questions asked is: Why didn’t they leave? Why didn’t they try to escape? Unfortunately, for many victims, staying with an abusive partner is often done for reasons of safety and societal pressure.
First, fear comes into play, as the abuser may threaten to kill their victim, to find them and “make them pay,” hurt the victim’s loved ones, or commit suicide, where the victim may blame themselves for the death.
Secondly, a victim’s financial situation may also prevent them from trying to leave. Often, an abuser will not allow their partner to work, and may also own the couple’s house (if they are living together), or if the partner is employed, will threaten to cause conflict for them at their workplace if they try to leave.
Thirdly, because an abuser will most times appear charming towards friends and family, the victim may be worried of being blamed and ostracized if they leave, as outsiders don’t see the abuse that occurs behind closed doors.
Further, a victim may believe that the abusive behaviour is “normal” if they were raised with domestic violence growing up, that it could be changed if they keep giving their abuser chances to redeem themselves, or if they come from a religion or culture that heavily discourages a person from breaking up a family.
As Lam puts it: “Fear and love are as incompatible as oil and water.”
For the York community, there is hope and support for those who have experienced, or are experiencing, dating violence.
The Sexual Violence and Response Office at York, intended to support those affected by sexual violence, can be found at Room W128 in the Bennett Centre for Student Services, or can be reached through their 24/7 line, (416) 736-5211.
