Sajila Nudrat | Health Editor
Featured Image: Food sources are overrated; we must turn to nature to sustain our lives. | Courtesy of Pexels
With world population on the rise and resources finite, it’s a good time to begin wondering about what’s going to happen next. Unfortunately, in the real world, we are not blessed with a saviour who can snap his fingers to single-handedly solve the problem of ever-growing world hunger. However, it seems as if the world has found its own modern day liberator.
New research shows that over time, human beings will be able to sustain themselves only on air. The study was conducted by Harvard scientist Dr. Chip Bagg III; using a trillion dollars of grant money given to the school by other notoriously wealthy individuals that listed the donation as, “leftovers from my boat purchase,” “for the less fortunate.” More concerned with being a published author than the work he was publishing, Bagg set a course to find an answer to the age-old problem of food shortage.
Bagg says: “The human body is so resilient that it could withstand a hundred bullets, and still stand up. This is fact! This is the truth! I saw such remarkable behaviour in a documentary about World War One.” It was mentioned to Bagg at this time, that the documentary was in fact “Captain America: The First Avenger,” but that only further strengthened his beliefs.
Bagg was then asked how the body may be able to survive long periods of time with no food. He responded by breaking down into layman’s terms the extent of his research. “By conditioning the human body to believe it no longer needs vital nutrients and food sources, the need for real sustenance will disappear over time. Think of it like your appendix. Once humans stopped eating raw meat, virtually every function of the appendix became void, and we were able to survive without it.” says Bagg. He elaborates that: “diets that are only plant-based, or only fish-based, are on the right track.”
To begin the conversion, Bagg says that such a diet (only-air based) will occur over time and and in a variety of steps. For starters, a person will need to become a vegetarian, and from there a vegan. Soon enough, they would move to only consuming fruits and vegetables, and then just nuts, before settling on only liquids. Finally, when the body is conditioned to survive on very few liquids, the mind should prepare to ‘trick’ the body into believing it is drinking water by drinking empty cups of air. Once the body begins to associate air with water, it will believe that it is receiving enough hydration to sustain itself.
Bagg believes that such a plan is void of flaws. In fact, to prove his research, he’s taken a few notable individuals deep into the woods on a six-month retreat to further enhance his findings. Some participants include reality TV star Courtney Carbashian, and lifestyle blog ROOP creator, Penyth Galtrow. With such influential intellectuals on board, nothing could possibly go wrong.
All that’s left to do is wait. Six months is not a long time in comparison to eternal salvation. Long Live Dr. Bagg!
Unfortunately, Bagg’s results were inconclusive, as all of the participants of his study died during testing.
DISCLAIMER: Everything published in this week’s issue (with the exception of advertisements) is satirical; it is not intended to communicate any true or factual information.
