DISCLAIMER: Stories and images published in this week’s issue under satire (with the exception of advertisements) are purely satirical and created purely for entertainment and/or parody purposes. They are not intended to communicate any accurate or factual information. Some names used in Excalibur’s satire stories are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities may be purely coincidental.
Deeming online elections too inaccessible for the broader student body, the York Federation of Students (YFS) has made the executive decision to transition to a monarchy. The newly crowned King and Royal Court of Yorkingham Palace were announced quietly last week.
“Hear ye, hear ye,” stated Chief Returning Officer (CRO) Jeseka Straugh. “We, the Elections Committee, have hereby decreed that your exalted student union will be crowned as royalty and reign supreme over this student body evermore — for the good of the people.”
The new Royal Court has embarked on a week-long coronation tour of York and York’s social media pages, during which they will promote themselves and display photos in their new regalia.
“Some might be asking what the point of a promotional campaign is when we are all already crowned,” says His Royal Majesty (HRM) King Fayaz Arnan. “The purpose of these social media posts is meant to give the common folk something to look up to, to add some joy into their mundane lives. While we no longer need to win their constitutionally mandated votes, we do of course wish to win over their hearts and minds. The purpose of this tour is to empower YOU.”
HRM King Arnan was asked about how the students of the Royal Court came together or were selected for these new, lifelong positions.
“We are simply lifelong students who received a calling,” says HRM King Arnan. When asked to elaborate, he made some inaudible statements about secret meetings, a quest, and the pursuit of the Holy Grail.
However, some royal subjects feel this coronation campaign tour has been misleading.
“I thought they were doing an elections campaign like usual,” says Leo Jackson, a sixth-year somnambulance studies major. “What do you mean, I don’t get to vote?”
This year, the news of the transition to monarchy was not communicated to the student body by email or even a website. Instead, it was carried to the student body solely by carrier pigeon.
“The power to determine promotions is a sacred power, placed solely within the hands of the CRO and Monarchy Committee,” says Straugh. “Transmitting the news to the public via carrier pigeon was deemed the appropriate platform for this news, given that pigeons can traverse both land or sea. This way, it is fairest and most equal for the common folk.”
“Given that introducing a new monarchy usually draws heated protests and rebellion, keeping the common folk safely in their beds instead of gathering on campus was the ideal solution,” she adds.
Royal subjects have raised questions about whether or not this process violates their rights.
“I don’t think this is legal,” says Mary Smith, a third-year fanfiction student. “My friend was raising some questions about the whole monarchy process. Then, he got a message saying the King had invited him to Lake Lassonde. I haven’t seen him since.”
Newly minted Duke of Operations John Scarn has weighed in about the legality of the process.
“I think it’s actually in the bylaws. If you take a look, it actually says we can do away with elections and make ourselves generational royalty at any time,” he says.” If they have an issue with it, let them eat cake.”
