DISCLAIMER: Stories and images published in this week’s issue under satire (with the exception of advertisements) are purely satirical and created purely for entertainment and/or parody purposes. They are not intended to communicate any accurate or factual information. Some names used in Excalibur’s satire stories are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities may be purely coincidental.
From mattresses to cat scratching posts, and even spooky costumes, toilet paper has been demonstrated to have many other uses other than its original purpose.
In April 2020, the world was thrown into shambles with a new virus rapidly spreading across the globe. Along with the virus came a stay-at-home order. This prompted people to stock up on essential items, one of which seemed to be always out of stock — toilet paper.
While there may have been studies done that connect those who hoarded toilet paper to a collective conscientious personality, there is more to it. After a few interviews, the truth is revealed of what hoarders REALLY did with all of the toilet paper they bought.
Oliver Trask, a video game professor, admits that he is a toilet paper hoarder.
“What people don’t understand is that there is actually more than meets the eye — myself, along with other hoarders, actually saw this as a perfect opportunity,” he says. “Toilet paper is the perfect medium for DIY projects, which became more accessible with more free time at home.”
Trask adds: “I was able to craft the perfect mummy costume for my daughter — it took several rolls, but it was worth it in the end.”
Katherine Higgle, a sixth-year cosmetology major, also admits to purchasing an unfathomable amount of toilet paper. “I was mostly interested in how much toilet paper I could purchase and how many different projects I could accomplish.”
Higgle explains that she, like Trask, had been looking forward to an opportunity such as this one to purchase a large amount of toilet paper without public stares.
“My entire life, I have always wanted to make my own mattress out of toilet paper. That way, I could customize it to my liking and if it got soiled, it could easily be tossed and I could have the enjoyment of making another,” says Higgle.
While mummy costumes and mattresses were seen as common among hoarders, the toilet paper was also used to make scrunchies, a wine filter, and even to decorate as wallpaper to commemorate this momentous time of the pandemic.
While toilet paper hoarding might have caused an inconvenience for some, perhaps the stories of these hoarders may inspire you to begin your own hoarding journey. It is not at all wasteful, economically foolish, or ignorant. It is an exciting new hobby that is recommended by activity specialists in these difficult times.
There are a plethora of projects that can be completed in the occurrence of another stay-at-home order. It is recommended that during this sudden event of spare time to keep yourself busy and keep your mind active.
One student in particular, Hugo Kim, a second year sculpture student, had ultimately chosen a unique project. “I had always thought a scratching post for my cat made out of toilet paper would be a great DIY project. My cat seems to gravitate towards toilet paper anyway,” says Kim. “It worked really well.”
