While most stag shops are designed to service the needs of men, Good For Her finds its niche with female customers
“[As a young girl], even though I was thin and white, I didn’t see anyone in the media that looked like me,” says Carlyle Jansen, owner and founder of Toronto’s leading female-friendly sex shop, Good For Her, located at Bathurst and Harbord Streets.
Jansen felt she never looked good in long hair or girly clothes, so she compensated by wearing loose clothing, to hide her body, and cut her hair short.
Like many girls in their teens, the now exuberant Jansen not only felt uncomfortable with her body, but her sexuality as well. When she went through puberty, she found the thought of sex so repugnant she postponed engaging in sexual intercourse until her early 20s. Even then, she says her discomfort never dissipated, and throughout the course of her sexual exploration, she found she could not reach orgasm with any of her partners.
Destitute and beleaguered, there seemed to be no solution for her sexual ineptitude. At age 28, she reached rock bottom when her then-boyfriend left her because she could not have an orgasm. But Jansen saw this moment as a calling that sex no longer be merely a complex assortment of gestural rhetoric.
Soon after, Jansen began to educate herself in the art of sex. Through workshops, literature, sex toys, and self-exploration, she became the guru of self-love, and found that she could reach climax with the aid of sex toys.
During her sister’s bridal shower, she taught her sister’s friends the mechanics of sex toys. Jansen says at that moment, she realized there were a multitude of women like her, who felt so uncomfortable with expressing their sexuality that they suppressed their desires, and became completely ignorant of all the possibilities of their sexuality.
In 1997, Jansen recognized this untapped market and decided to promote sexual education for women through the creation of her very own sex shop.
Designed to promote comfort and openness for its female customers, the shop resembles a humble home. Besides having a selection of sex toys that cater to every need, from 15-inch dildos to nipple stimulators that resemble mini-serrated pizza cutters, the shop also holds workshops for a variety of subjects, from learning how to talk dirty to how to give erotic massages.
Jansen also mentions that they have women and trans-only hours, from 12 to 5 p.m. on Sundays because female customers often feel uncomfortable buying products in the presence of men.
“As a women and trans-friendly shop, it is a key resource for people exploring their sexuality. It’s a non-judgmental space,” says Michael Jackman, a sixth-year media and sexuality student and PhD candidate.
“Most sex-shops are geared towards men and are not inviting for women. But Good for Her provides that space where women feel safe.”
When asked what the source of this discomfort is, Jansen says from a young age women are socialized into thinking sex is immoral and their genitals are ugly. When it comes to intercourse, she says women often feel guilty about asking for what they want in bed and that they are boring their partners.
Jansen believes all the pressures placed on women to be successful, look perfect, and be good mothers, partners, and daughters can cause women to shut down sexually, and consciously stop thinking about things like being good lovers because they’re so busy trying to be everything else.
Jansen says many of these unrealistic pressures experienced by women are visible in mainstream pornography because the actresses all fit into a single mold—thin, hairless, white, large-breasted—and are capable of reaching orgasm within minutes. Also, much of the sex in these movies is tailored to the service of men, while the focus on authentic female pleasure is very minimal.
As a proprietor solely interested in the sexual education of women, the inclusion of mainstream porn in her shop would be extremely detrimental because it homogenizes female desires, promotes violence against women, and centralizes the penis. Jansen argues that ultimately, mainstream porn fails on every level as an educational tool.
Sixteen years ago, she says there was not a lot to choose from in the market of female-friendly porn. As the industry grew, however, Jensen says the production of porn was no longer an elitist practice, and more and more marginalized groups like women and transsexuals began making their own porn.
The feminist porn offered in the shop depicts genuine female pleasure, agency, and desire. It celebrates the plurality (ethnicity, sexual orientation, body type, and age) of all women, and operates mainly through an anti-oppressive framework. But most importantly, it promotes the equal treatment of women, as well as safe sex practices.
A few years ago, Jansen even decided to create an event to award these female-friendly porn stars, directors, and producers.
Dubbed the Feminist Porn Awards, the event garnered so much attention from a variety of workers in the industry that it spawned a recurring annual celebration for female, race, gay, lesbian, transsexual, and inter-sexual-friendly porn.
Heading into its eighth year, the event has grown substantially, spanning two days: the first day, a showcase of directors’ work at Bloor Cinema, and the second, the gala award ceremony.
Apart from the Feminist Porn Awards, Jansen also intends on participating in Vajanuary, the female equivalent for Movember, which requires that one’s pubic hair not be shaven until the end of the month, with the proceeds going to towards charity.
Though the war for recognizing sexual equality and education for women is not one that can be won overnight, Jansen believes that her utopia is attainable.
The key to this empowerment, says Jansen, is “celebrating your body and desires as they are, not comparing yourself with other women, educating yourself, accepting who you are, and not trying to make yourself like everyone else.”
Rajin Patel, Staff Writer
